Edenic Atonement

a rebirth

2011-02-16T14:04:00.004-06:00

So, in the list of things that have happened over the tumultuous past year, I had another son, got a job a thousand miles away, packed up the house, put the house on the market, moved to the south, and found and bought a house. This doesn't do justice to the details or the support we got from our family, but it gives some sense of why I haven't blogged.

Conferences...

2010-04-21T14:18:00.003-05:00

So I've attended plenty of conferences in my career as professional student, scholar, and professor, but I've never spoken or presented before. That's about to change, however, as I recently heard that I'll be presenting on the subject of rhetorical pleasure--think to teach (docere), to delight (delectare) and move (movere)--this fall. This is great news and I'm pleased as punch, but I'm also starting to get nervous. I mean, it's one of the principle elements of the profession to "profess" your beliefs about your subject, but I've been part of the audience so long that I'm concerned about my ability to present my own ideas. This is just nervousness, of course, but I still feel it acutely.

On the subject of the job hunt, I've had some interest at a few different schools, but I get the feeling some institutions might think me overqualified or disinterested. In fact, I heard directly from one school that interviewed me that one reason why they didn't hire me was because I had a PhD and they assumed I would only stay with their program until I had a better offer. As I know I'm writing for myself, I don't have to explain that this simply isn't true, but if you ever read this post B.R. you should know I would have done a lot to work at your school. Meh...I'm not going to get sour grapes, but I may start posting my rejection letters here (at least the form letters!)

Job hunting in America

2010-03-11T14:08:00.003-06:00

So I'm still on the prowl

'cuz I work with a scowl.

It's not easy trying to find a job. It's a full-time job itself, but I have faith that at some point someone (somewhere) will think me suitable for employment. I also know that I set the bar quite high for myself. I don't want a part-time position, as I've already got three of those. I don't want just any English job either; I want to teach early modern lit. And while I have no problem teaching other courses--I rather look forward to teaching 19th century, modern, and American lit--I really feel that one of the only ways I'll be able to move forward in my field is if I can find some time to teach within it.

So, all you schools out there that may be lurking, troll-like, at the periphery...scanning blogs for out of work PhDs...here's your chance. You can have me for a song!

please? :)

Finished and supposed to be looking for a job

2009-12-14T13:36:00.002-06:00

So...I finished my dissertation, graduated, and made it through another semester (almost). But now I'm looking for a job. Why do people say things like, "Just finish that dissertation, man. You'll be glad that it's done"? I'm serious; people said stuff like that to me all the time while I was a graduate student. And now that I'm done, do you know what I think? I think that it was completely untrue. I'm very happy with myself for graduating, but looking for a job is one of the worst experiences ever. I've only had a few leads for something like twenty applications, but if I have to spend another year as an adjunct I may just start telling people what I really think...

and we all know how that will go over!

Let's hope I get a job!
Merry Christmas!

Supposed to be grading

2009-05-04T12:50:00.003-05:00

Man, teaching is the best job in the world except when you have to grade. Seriously, I have a very good idea of everyone's abilities and could just give them their grades, but no...I have to sit and grade papers until I want to pull a Gloucester...

--O, Stephen will apologize.
Dante said:
--O, if not, the eagles will come and pull out his eyes.--

Pull out his eyes,
Apologize,
Apologize,
Pull out his eyes.
Apologize,
Pull out his eyes,
Pull out his eyes,
Apologize.

A Portrait of the Artist as a Young Man

And to that asshat who flamed my sister and brother-in-law: fuck you! I know you'll never read this (no one does, which is just fine) but you can just die fart-eater. Ugh; wish I could reach through the computer screen to him!

My sister

2009-03-30T16:25:00.001-05:00

My Friend Mark...

2009-03-20T09:30:00.002-05:00

So I've this friend named Mark. He's very nice if you know him and not so nice if you don't. I mean, he's not rude or anything, he's just kind of a standoffish prick if you're a slob like most people. Do I float my own boat by saying I'm proud of having him as a friend, you bet I do, but he's the type of guy from whom you hear really interesting things. Yesterday evening I got an email with the title:

Bertrand Russell quote
[the following is all that was in the email]

One of the commonest things to do with savings is to lend them to some Government. In view of the fact that the bulk of the public expenditure of most civilized Governments consists in payment for past wars or preparation for future wars, the man who lends his money to a Government is in the same position as the bad men in Shakespeare who hire murderers. The net result of the man's economical habits is to increase the armed forces of the State to which he lends his savings. Obviously it would be better if he spent the money, even if he spent it in drink or gambling.

Now, Mark didn't get points for passing along a quotation the way most people pass along bullshit forwards. Nope. Mark gets points for quoting Bertrand Russell and for being a former military man like myself. This is exactly why we need more than two parties in this nation...there's no way we should have to be simply for or against something...

A lot of the time I like to think I'm like Mark, against stupidity.

Micro Cuts

2009-03-12T14:07:00.003-05:00

Micro Cuts

Hands are red with your blame
Megaphone screaming my name
Whimpers someone I should've loved
Souls weeping above

I've seen what you're doing to me
Destroying puppet strings
To our soul

Micro waves me insane
A blaine cuts in your brain
To sounds like forks on a plate
Blackboard scratched with hate

I've seen
What you're doing to me
Destroying puppet strings
To our soul

Now, I know that this doesn't really count as a post, but I'm conflicted at this point in my life right now. I mean, part of me wants to finish the dissertation and move on. Part of me wants to get past my hang ups for the thing, get a big fuckin' tattoo on my arm (or neck) and do whatever I feel like rather than doing what I know to be my future. Ugh, that sounds way more like complaining than it should...and the baby's crying. Gotta scoot!

Throw Some D's On That Bitch!

2009-03-09T13:54:00.002-05:00

You Know When U Jus Get Your Report Card, And You Have All F's On It U Just Wana Take It Back To The Teacher And Say To Throw Some D's On That Bitch!

Yeah, I know, it's more than a bit cliche, but it's too damn catchy and too damn funny from a teacher's p.o.v. Honestly, the Soulja Boy version is fairly idiotic, especially when you think of little kids hearing the lyrics and thinking they're anything except comedy. In that light the song's just spooky. But if you take it from Girl Talk, and you best know that I do, the lyrics can have any number of meanings, and I think that's what Rich Boy was rappin' about.

Anyway, fuck off...

haters.

Charlie's bad hair day

2009-03-01T20:01:00.001-06:00

So this is what the boy looked like when he woke up from his nap the
other day...

And I have to say, I like blogging from an iPhone! It's super easy...

Charlie's first time playing on the patio

2009-02-28T08:43:00.000-06:00

Our neighbors...

2009-02-28T08:22:00.002-06:00

On one side of our house we have a fantastic family as neighbors. They're kind, conscientious (I mean, if we're not home they'll mow our front yard, as theirs runs into ours), and altogether neighborly. I love this family; their daughters watch our son and we'll go over for a drink on the patio now and then.

On the other side of our house though, it's a different story (as it usually is). They've got beagles that howl outside at all hours of the day and night. Their kids have torn up my front lawn by inviting the entire neighborhood to play football there to the point that it's a muddy sty. And no matter how many times I've asked the kids to stop playing or talked to them about the dogs, there's never any change. Now, I'd like to throw fuel on the fire and say they're brash, ugly people, but that's not realistic. They're just poor neighbors...and one of these days I'm going to figure out what to do about those fuckin' dogs! (Can you tell they're barking right now?) More later...

Charlie playing on the patio

2009-02-28T08:20:00.001-06:00

apps

2009-02-27T14:34:00.002-06:00

So I'm supposed to bring appetizers for Brian's birthday party tomorrow and I don't know what to make. I mean, honestly, I can make about a dozen perfect appetizers from scratch off the top of my head, but those are usually of a type that's made to be followed with a particular meal or type of food. I guess it would help if I knew what was for dinner, but all I can remember is something Deepali said about making thinly sliced beef.

Bother.

Anyway, I'm really just posting so I can put off writing, and I'm going to go write a page right now. I'm about 26 pages into the fourth chapter at this point!

2009-02-25T08:42:00.004-06:00

This is one of my favorite buildings standing today, The Tate Modern in London. It has paintings, sculpture, etc. Random acts of artwork from the modern era, but it's really fantastic that the building of the museum stands as a reconfigured landscape itself. Last time I was there with my in-laws and didn't really get to spend the time as I wanted (plus I think I was hung-over as a dog). But the trip before that--my first time there--was when we were in England with my wife, her sister, and her sister's husband, and I think we were all just stunned by the fantastic holdings and the size of some of the exhibitions. Wish we could take a more active approach to such collections here in the States, but I've only really seen comparable museums in New York. There's really very little here in Indiana...ah, well. Perhaps I'll have to plan another trip abroad!

Here's the Joan Miró that I love at the Tate:

2009-02-24T21:57:00.004-06:00

It's the shirt I want, but I don't think I'd get as many laughs as I had when I read it. I mean, seriously, this shirt speaks to me and my white-man's burden. Heh, if you're not laughing you certainly wouldn't like the rest of my jokes...

Ben told me my long-time favorite: What do you call a snail on a ship?

Answer: A Snailor!

But seriously; I must get this shirt!

MGMT

2009-02-24T08:15:00.006-06:00

I've been listening to Oracular Spectacular lately...quite a bit, actually. It's a much better album than I had initially thought. The tracks "Time to Pretend" and "Weekend Wars" seem especially poignant in their forward-looking sense of nostalgia. That might seem to be a bit unrealistic, but I found them while listening to Cut Copy's In Ghost Colours and that's what I think...

As to the lyrics, I think it might be best to point out that "Weekend Wars" and "The Youth" are probably the most representative...

Evil is I, Yes to find a shore,
A beast that doesn't quiver anymore,
And we can crush some plants to paint my walls,
And I won't try to fight in the weekend wars

Was I? I was too lazy to play
Or paint or write or try to make a change.
Now I can shoot a gun to kill my lunch
And I don't have to love or think too much.

Instant battle plans written on the sidewalk
Mental mystics in a twisted metal car
Tried to amplify the sound of light and love.

Christ is cursed of fathers and mother
Might even take a knife to split a hill
Or even scare the children off my lawn
Giving us time to make the makeshift bombs

Every mess invested was a score
We couldn't use computers anymore
But it's difficult to win unless you're bored,
And you might have to plan for the weekend wars.

Try to break my heart, I'll drive to Arizona.
It might take a hundred years to grow an arm
I'll sit and listen to the sound of sand and cold
Twisted diamond heart, I'm the weekend warrior
My predictions are the only things I have
I can amplify the sound and light and love

I'm a curse and I'm a sound,
When I open up my mouth,
There's a reason I don't win,
I don't know how to begin.

teaching

2009-02-23T21:44:00.004-06:00

so I had a serious fuckin' drain clog yesterday...

I cleaned out tons and tons of asparagus from our garbage disposal and it was a real fuckin' bitch...

...seriously.

Anyway, that's not what I wanted to write about, I'm looking for a bit of therapy. In my fantastic, thirteen-year-long relationship with the love of my life and the mother of my child (both, luckily, the same woman!) I've never once strayed...nor will I. But into each life a little rain must fall and I've found that--on occasion--my eyes stray. I wonder if I'm alone in this sometimes, but most of the time I think I'm just like everyone else and that everyone else lives out their daydream fantasies just like I do...as fantasies. The latest?

...*edited by me!*...

I'd write it down, but I know that I'm writing for posterity and therapy, not popularity. Nothing will ever come of it anyway. Fork.

stolen from wombat

2009-02-06T13:35:00.004-06:00

Pick up the nearest book.
Open to page 123.
Find the fifth sentence.
Post the next three sentences.

this is from The Schoolmaster:

And although Sturmius herein doth far pass all other, yet hath he not so fully and perfectly done it as I do wish he had and as I know he could. For though he hath done it perfectly for precept, yet hath he not done it perfectly enough for example; which he did, neither for lack of skill nor by negligence but of purpose, contented with one or two examples because he was minded in those two books to write of it both shortly and also had to touch other matters.

Bartholomaeus Riccius Ferrariensis also hath written learnedly, diligently, and very largely of this matter even as he did before ver well De apparatu linguae latinae.

(who ever said context was for pussies?)

a hell-of-a-long-time coming

2009-02-06T13:07:00.004-06:00

So another year has gone by, but at least this time I've got the chapters to show for it. Here's a run-down on what's going on...and I know, this is strictly for my own records:

Charlie was born - it has been almost a year, he's ten months old, but crawling and climbing everywhere...
Chapters 1-3 are completed, Chapter4 is past half, and I'd like to walk this semester if possible...
I paid off my first car loan...
We're actually receiving a tax-refund this year (all the thanks go to Charlie for this!)
I've taken my cooking to another level...still not baking, but that's not far off
I did, finally, get an iPhone 3G that I haven't broken (yet)...I was going to get a refurb for $150 from att.com, but they're only available for new customers...so after I called customer service with my WTF attitude, I just went out and got one with the remnants of my student loan.

"I was in this prematurely air-conditioned supermarket and there were all these aisles..."

2008-03-26T11:36:00.004-05:00

...and there were these bathing caps that you could buy that had these kind of Fourth-of-July plumes on them that were red and yellow and blue, and I wasn't tempted to buy one, but I was reminded of the fact that I had been avoiding the beach.
~dj BC GlassBreaks

Really, the first song on Glassbreaks is the best; I mean, who doesn't love mashing up Philip Glass with the Beastie Boys. I know I love it!

But this isn't at all what I've really been listening to; the lyric just got stuck in my head. I've been listening to Karajan's deutsch grammophon recordings. I don't know, for some reason I seem to like his stuff for the modern composers, though he's nothing compared to Jordi Savall for the Medieval or Renaissance pieces I like to listen to as I write.

You Can Do It Kippy!

2008-03-19T14:13:00.002-05:00

Perhaps one of my favorite SNL skits of all time...

fucking Deconstruction...

2008-03-19T12:40:00.004-05:00

Man, dumb French literary theory drives me insane. I mean, seriously, I'd like to think that we've moved beyond purely linguistic literary criticism at this point, yet we'll still be wading through the morass created by second-rate nitwits with Ivy League educations for the next two decades simply because scholars in the 80s and 90s got caught up in the Derridean and Lacanian agendas of publishing useless crap. Ugh!

I can forget working on the car...I've got to finish critiquing Endlesse Worke...at least Goldberg got his title correct!

Gimme, Gimme, Gimme, I Need, I Need...

2008-03-18T21:57:00.003-05:00

Man, I've been jonesing for an IPhone for a long time now, and my sister brought hers with her last weekend...and it's hot...

Add to this that I just saw at&t selling refurbed IPhones for $250 with a contract extension and I think I may finally get my undeserving mitts on one. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not a bad guy at all. I've devoted my life to teaching, literature, and being a good husband (reverse that order...) but I'm not good at all about delaying pleasure. When I've got an itch, I scratch it. But this can't be said about things that require either a) any significant amount of cash, or b) any significant amount of time. Because of point a) I'll probably never be able to swing an IPhone before I finish my dissertation or get a serious job outside of Fort Wayne. Because of point b) I had to leave off my torrid, year-long love affair with World of Warcraft (which was a great thing, mind you, since it turned my brain to mush and bugged my eyes out of their sockets).

So what will become of my obsession? I have no idea; I suppose I'll just keep drooling and dreaming, even past the stimulus checks we're supposed to get--I've got a kid on the way, remember?--but someday...maybe...I'll scratch that itch.

The Check Engine Light...

2008-03-18T09:26:00.005-05:00

The Check Engine Light makes me feel as though I am a true Renaissance man instead of being just a Renaissance scholar...and you know what? That little light is right. I took my car (a silver, 4dr, v6, Honda Accord LX) to AutoZone and they patched into the computer outlet behind the ashtray. Yeah, I knew it was there. Anyway, they said that cylinder 3 isn't firing, though you just have to rev the engine to hear that it is. So I'm going to replace the plugs, distributor cap, and cables. I did this twice before, once on a bitchin' 94 Aspire and once on a 93 Accord; I figure I can do it again. The big question is when will I get around to it. I don't know. If I get eight pages written tomorrow morning, I'll take the early afternoon and do it. Otherwise I'll put it off until it cuts into my Easter weekend.

I'd like to retract the last post where I wrote that I freaked out over the warning signal from my car, but it wouldn't be honest. And in a way, I like the Check Engine Light; it represents the conscience. It warns you that things may soon break down or get out of hand if preventive measures aren't taken...now, if I could only listen to my inner Jiminy Cricket as well as I responded to the light on my dashboard I'd be just ducky.

I Knew I Was Old When...

2008-03-18T05:32:00.004-05:00

I awoke this morning at 4:00am. Yup. 4am. That's too damn early for anyone, even if you're a morning person like me. I didn't really know what to do with myself when this began happening a year or so ago, but I've figured it out now. I just get up and go to work, since work means writing the dissertation, I've found it actually helps having Allison at home (asleep) so that I have a bit of pressure to stay on track and not get distracted doing things I shouldn't...whatever that means...

Anyway, my check engine light came on last night while driving home from the small business college where I teach Monday evenings, and I almost immediately freaked out. You see, I don't really know anything about cars. I mean, I know the basics, and I'm really a very good all-conditions driver, but the Check Engine light is something altogether different. I'm going to have to take it to an AutoZone to check out what the car's computer says is wrong. Let's hope it's not expensive! (More to follow once I figure out what the problem is...)

Two Years Later...

2008-03-17T13:32:00.005-05:00

Yeah, it's that time again...two years later...:) But that's not why I'm writing. I'm really just writing now because I need to set the record straight. After everything that has happened over the last two years, the comments I left online are no longer true.

I wrote and defended my prospectus last September. Well, I wrote the thirteenth and final draft of the prospectus, and my advisor liked it! Then, I revised it again...finally, I filled out a ton of paperwork, had to reapply to the department, etc. and defended that bitch.

Since then, I've written Chapter One and am part way through Chapter Two...I'm not posting any of it here, but I will someday.

Also, I've successfully spent eight months without a cig. I went absolutely bonkers in the beginning, but have recovered control and returned to my previous, slightly-less-insane self.

And finally, most importantly, I'm going to be a father...in like, one month. The process has been more fun for me than for Allison, but I still think it's not nearly as bad as people make it out to be. We're excited as all get-out and the baby's going to be damn cute if she takes after her mother.

So what I said before, that's not really how things stand. I thought I'd be stuck in Prospectus-Limbo for the rest of my life, but now I know it was only for about a decade. I'm going to need to come back here more often, but I make no promises...especially since that kid's on the way!

If I'm allowed, and I know I am, since I'm writing this for myself, I'd like to shout-out to Jamie Oliver and Nigella Lawson, two cooks that have helped me pack on 18 pounds of sympathy weight during Allison's pregnancy and have taught me a few great new recipes.

long time since I wrote to myself

2006-04-24T19:22:00.001-05:00

I'm trying not to grade papers right now, so I thought it would be a good time to write. The dissertation is moving (finally) but not today. I've got a deadline, however, which means that I don't have to worry about not getting the stuff done. For some strange reason, I always meet my deadlines (at least when they're for someone else).

More than anything, I thought I'd leave a note about the book that I'm reading right now...The Once and Future King, by T.H.White. Anyway, the note I wanted to leave was that I consider this a book for all people, but for men in particular. There's something so casual and so destructive in White's relation of the love between Lance and Gwen that I'm not sure it's for both sexes. Don't take me the wrong way, but if you feel that different you can message me and we can duke it out. I'll win, I always do. Goulet!

problems with power

2006-03-29T21:25:00.001-06:00

So I've been reading and writing; what's new? The writing. I haven't written much on my dissertation for the last eighteen months. What follows is my PhD history (from my point of view). I sped through my coursework and loved it. Literature was always my strength and it was no surprise to me when all sorts of texts opened to my glance. It was exhilarating; during my time at PU I didn't have a computer, half the time I was there I didn't even have a television. I had a one room apartment, full ashtrays, all the reading anyone could want, the drive to succeed that only the young have, and a growing telephone bill. I was broke and I loved it.

But then I moved away; I married the love of my life, moved a few hours away from the University, and tried to continue working on my own. It wasn't easy. After a while (read, a year) I finished a first draft of my prospectus. The research wasn't great, but it wasn't completely shoddy either. This draft, my advisor sent back to me with instructions to cut it in half. Yeah, C. (my advisor) gave me more comments than just to cut it down, but it didn't feel like it. I felt more like I had been deserted.

Eight months later I produced another draft. This prospectus had focus, and I still think it's an honest preview of the dissertation I'm now writing. But I never really received any feedback at all on this draft. Do you know what C. told me? Are you sure you want to write a dissertation? You could do a lot of things with your education; you don't have to teach. What the fuck. Honestly, I took it as he meant it. I drove home, flipped the thing over my shoulder, and didn't think about it for another six months. (Do you see how time flies?)

So, I'm finally writing again. Another year passed during which I filled another research notebook full of random data. I've stored some great ideas, followed lots of thoughts, and read more than I had planned. But none of these things helps one write a dissertation. Finally, I came to the conclusion that I simply must write. I'm not a Nazi about it, but I enjoy it again. Finally.

I still need to talk to C. about my project. If he's willing to help I'll have a great time finishing the damnable thing; if he won't help me I'll farm the paper out to the first graduate school that will take most of my credits and transfer, paper in hand.

Let's hope that's not how it goes.

this guy's a freakin maniac

2006-03-27T14:23:00.001-06:00

My friend pdr sent me this link in an email. The video's of a guy that not only has great taste in music, but he's a phenomenal athlete as well. Oh, if playing with balls in front of other people isn't quite to your taste, you ought to try this link about time travel. Peace, love, and charity.

weakened from the weekend

2006-03-26T20:46:00.001-06:00

I've got some questions that I'm mulling over, and as I'm writing to myself, I thought I should try to record them.

Why is my vision of the world fairly optimistic when every novel, movie, and work of art that I appreciate is actually drawn from real life (a.k.a. slit-your-wrists depressing)? I mean, I can see the value of comedy, but I still labor under the academic's stereotype that a decent novel end unhappily. I'm oversimplifying, I know. Think of it this way: if Malamud's The Natural ended like Disneyfied film version, wouldn't you feel as though the moral of the story were missing? Ok, I'm smart. I know it. I just answered my own question.
While working on my dissertation, when do I show and when tell? My response as a sometime composition instructor is that I should know the answer because I've examined my audience. But my advisor is my primary audience and I haven't spoken to him for at least a year...so I don't know. Of course, I'm also my own audience and I don't seem to like anything I write any more. I suppose I should go back to writing sonnets for Allison, at least then I knew who I was writing to.
What should I do about Guy? He was my best friend for years. We helped each other through some difficult times. Grew up. Grew apart. Kept in touch. Yada, yada. Anyway, he pulled the Fadeout. He missed my thirtieth birthday party; I never followed up either. I suppose that constitutes a double fadeout; whatever the cause though, he's been moving on with his social life in the past year and I never realized that it bothered me until I didn't get invited a party that he was throwing in the city. (Yes, I'm shallow. I've always admitted it though, so I've got that going for me...and I'll freely admit it now: I don't think I cared about losing Guy's friendship until I realized it would actually have some sort of manifestation in the real, physical world.) So; what should I do about him? I'll try to think of it more later; that's worked for the last year or so.

2006-03-25T07:51:00.001-06:00

One of my many sisters...it runs in the family

why I've got a splitting headache this morning

2006-03-25T07:49:00.001-06:00

It's called Guinness. I didn't even have very many, but I suppose I had enough. So I had a very strange experience last night. Some crazy old femme at the bar fell right off her stool and began shaking. I turned to Al, my better half, and immediately said, "rophinol?" It was as if she couldn't sit up. After a while the ambulance came and packed her up. She was one of the older birds who dress in the styles popular among teens. Really weird stuff...and quite the reality check.

without further ado...

2006-03-24T18:12:00.001-06:00

I've been inactive for too long; trying to finish a dissertation in 16th century verse. I know, I know, I'm going to starve. That's ok. I really love what I'm studying and that's not something most workers can say. I'll leave a full post soon. Just wanted to start it and get going.